All posts in Lessons Learned

Paying It Forward: The Secret To Happiness?

by Susan DiMickele on May 13, 2013 in Career Growth, Lessons Learned, Work with No comments

Paying it forward is good for business.  It’s also the right thing to do.  Yet we live in a society that rewards instant results.  Not future possibilities. 

What have you done for me lately? Does it contribute to the bottom line? Show me the money!

Yet paying it forward – at home and at work – it vital to our happiness.  (It will also bring us greater long-term success, so long as we properly manage our expectations.)

We can start paying it forward three ways:  STOP, LOOK, and ACT.

Step One:  STOP

We must STOP keeping score.  There is a lot of talk in our business communities about “building relationships” and “investing” in others before expecting results.  We need to take it to the next level.  If we stop keeping score, we give to others freely — without expecting anything in return.

It’s easy to invest in people who will reciprocate.  “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.”  Yet if we’re not careful, unmet expectations will crush us.  What happens when we don’t get scratched back? 

If we give without expecting in return, we’re blessed by giving, not receiving.  In fact, we should regularly give to people who aren’t in a position to reciprocate. 

Every once in awhile, we’ll be caught by surprise when the people we least expect are in a position of influence.  When they become our advocates, they will know our initial investment was sincere. Trust-based relationships don’t keep score.    

Step Two:  LOOK

LOOK around at the people you admire.  Do they give without strings attached? Do they “pay it forward” because it’s the right thing to do?

In Powered By Happy, Executive Beth Thomas encourages us to make a list of the ways we can make other people happy.  As I read her words, it dawned on me.  God is the ultimate Master of paying it forward.  When Jesus died on a cross, he was doing it for me without any guarantee of my response.  I wasn’t even born yet!

Jesus provides an incredible role model.  His selflessness inspires us to give without strings attached – to extend grace to others, even when they don’t “deserve” a favor.  If God can “pay it forward” centuries before my birth, I too can take a long-term view of people. 

Step Three:  ACT

Paying it forward actually works.  But don’t take my word for it.  Try it for yourself.  Pick something you know you can do – but something that will challenge your natural instincts and test your limits. 

For example, I really hate sitting in traffic.  When I take my 6th-grader to school, there are a line of cars in the “drop off” a mile long.  Inevitably,  instead of getting at the back of the line, some parent always cuts in front of me.  I find this so annoying!  For months, I would try to inch up as far as possible to the car in front of me – to give the signal that there is no way you are pulling out in front of me!   Then, one morning, I  decided to let someone cut.

Nick yelled, “Mom, what are you doing!  This guy is cutting in front of you.”

I gave the other car a friendly wave, and he waved back.  It was exhilarating. 

Granted, it was only a baby step.  But baby steps count.

Are you ready to STOP keeping score?

When you LOOK for role models, who pays it forward best?

How can you take a simple step and ACT? 

Overcoming Negative Thoughts And Worry: It’s Time To Take Control!

by Susan DiMickele on April 16, 2013 in Book Reviews, Lessons Learned, Work with 5 Comments

 What holds your happiness hostage?  For many of us, worry and negative thoughts are at the top of the list. 

Whether we’re worried about being a good parent, the family finances, or our performance at work, worry can downright consume us and rob our happiness.  And since this is National Stress Awareness Month, let’s not forget that worry and stress are completely connected.  Research shows that worry and stress are leading causes to both physical and psychological illness.

So what’s the solution? 

Powered By Happy provides some amazing wisdom.  Chapter Three, Avoid What Holds Your Happiness Hostage:  Minimizing Worry and Negative Thoughts, is my favorite chapter.  Importantly, Thomas doesn’t minimize stress and worry.  Instead, she challenges us to do something about it!  Here are some of my favorite tips.

Tip #1 – Identify What Worries You Most

Thomas challenges us to write it down – to answer the question what worries you most?  It’s a simple but necessary step to overcoming stress – defining the root of the problem. 

For example, Thomas suggests writing down everything that worries us for one week.  “Get some three-by-five-inch index cards, and every time a worry pops into your head, write it on a card.” (p. 51)

At the end of a week, you may discovery that your worries have been in vain – or even a waste of time.  Or you may discover a reoccurring theme – an area of your life that is causing you most stress, or a constant worry that you can’t seem to let go. 

In any event, you’ll be better informed to tackle negative thoughts and worry if you identify the source. 

Tip #2 – Confront Worry With Action

Once we identify what worries us most, we’re ready to take action. 

Take your top 5 worries.  What’s the worst thing that can happen?  Is the solution within your control?  Regardless of the outcome, what are some positive steps you can take to address the concern?

For example, if you’re financially strapped, you can take steps toward adjusting your budget, paying off debt, or increasing your earning potential.   While a solution may not be quick or easy, we can do our part to affect what we control and at the same time accept what we can’t control.  By writing down the “worst case scenario” plus our action steps, we confront worry with action.

I firmly believe that inaction breeds worry.  An idle mind breeds fret and discontent.  Have you ever noticed that the stress before starting a new project at work or the anticipation of a tough personal situation is often worse than the situation itself?

Tip #3 – Separate Fact From Fiction

The imagination is a powerful thing.  Most of us spend too much time worrying about things that never happen.  In fact, we invent stories in our minds based upon “what if’s” and work ourselves into a frenzy.

Thomas tells a powerful story about a situation at work where her imagination ran wild.  Basically, once she sent her boss a project, she felt insecure the next time she saw him.  She interpreted his actions as dismissive and thought to herself, he must hate the project!  It was terrible!  After spending months worrying about the project, she later learned that he hadn’t even reviewed the project  — he had forgotten all about it altogether.

In other words, we impute our negative thoughts and imagination onto the motives and words of others.  Most of the time, other people are not thinking about us in the first place!

I found this tip to be the most powerful in the entire chapter.  Don’t worry about what you don’t know.  Stop basing worry on imagination instead of the truth. 

Tip #4 – Take Control With A Baby Step

While these tips are all helpful, we’re not going to be able to stop worrying overnight.  What if we took the next 24 hours and committed to take every negative thought and worry captive?  To turn those worries over to God as we sort out the next step? 

Other baby steps include making your “worry” list or planning a favorite activity to de-stress this week. 

So, what worries you most?  What tip do you find most helpful as you tackle worry and stress? 

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Join us next week as we continue discussing Powered By Happy, Chapters 4 and 5.

Powered By Happy: What’s Your Definition of Happiness?

by Susan DiMickele on April 3, 2013 in Book Reviews, Career Growth, Lessons Learned, Work with 1 Comment
Smiley-happy

Most of us are striving to be happy in our jobs.  Yet some 75% of Americans are not happy at work. 

Instead, we’re grumpy, overwhelmed, and altogether stressed out.  We don’t just live with a happiness void, we carry the disease of dissatisfaction.  A serious epidemic!

What’s the problem?

In Powered By Happy, a revolutionary yet simple book by executive Beth Thomas, Thomas challenges us to stop whining and start making our own happiness.

Where do we start?  Create your own definition of happiness. 

For example, Thomas encourages us to change our view of what it means to “have it all” and stop allowing other people to define our happiness.

Pretty simple, yet powerful stuff. 

What does your definition of happiness look like?

This answer can and should be different for each of us. As a business executive who reached the top with small children, Thomas actually changed her definition of happiness after she landed her “dream job.”   The result?  She quit a job that required her to constantly travel during a time when her young children needed her at home.  (And, yes, she kept working.)

Does this mean no working mother of small children should travel?  Of course not.  But it does mean that intelligent women can stop living by someone else’s definition of “success.”  Women are so busy trying to “have it all” that we forget to stop and define what it means.  Some of us are chasing a definition of happiness that we never signed up for.  It’s time to be intentional about happiness – both personally and professionally. 

I am not suggesting we pretend that everything is “fine” and put on a happy face.  If our definition of happiness is the absence of pain, we will be sorely disappointed.  As Thomas notes, it’s easy for a mother to say, “I just want my kids to be happy so I can be happy.” 

Been there.  Done that.  Not a bad motivation.  But it sets us up for disappointment when our definition of happiness is dependent on someone else’s response to our actions – or when we define happiness strictly through the happiness of others.

We’ll be talking more about the power to choose happiness next week.   To start, consider your own definition of happiness. 

Don’t overthink it.  Write down the first thing that comes to mind, and keep it simple.  As I read Powered By Happy, I jotted down the following happiness definition:

“Being fully engaged at home, work, and community to love people and love God and to eat dark chocolate and drink red wine in the process.”

What’s your happiness definition?  Have you ever written it down? 

Ready to get happy at work?  Grab a copy of Powered By Happy:  How To Get And Stay Happy At Work and join me next week for Chapter Two!

Should Working Moms Say “No” To Travel?

by Susan DiMickele on March 19, 2013 in Career Growth, Lessons Learned, Work, Working Moms with No comments
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“Should I take a new job that involves travel?”

A reader recently posed this tough question.  In short, she’s a working mom who loves God and her family.  She has a new opportunity to take an amazing job, both personally and professionally.  The only downside?  The position involves a healthy chunk of out-of-town travel.

Lots of moms just say no.  And for good reason.  As a working mom who travels on a regular basis, I know from experience that travel has its limits.  Traveling for work is not a “vacation.”  When I get home, I am completely exhausted and want to zone out at the same time my family needs me to engage.

But let’s be honest, travel also has its benefits.  Some mothers tell me a night in hotel room – alone – is a dream come true. Personally, I dread this aspect of travel, yet I still maximize other benefits.  Like having time to write, visit new cities, and get airport massages!

Regardless of the cost/benefit analysis, there is no substitute for being at home.  But if we travel, here are three key questions. 

Question #1:  Will our travel control us, or will we control our travel?

There is a season of life when our children really need us at home.  During the preschool and early elementary years, children have a hard time understanding when Mom isn’t around.  What’s worse, if we have no control over our travel, we soon become resentful every time we miss a birthday, can’t be home to care for a sick child, or skip an after-school event.  Yet we don’t have to be there for everything.  Thus far, I haven’t missed a birthday (knock on wood) and I can typically drop everything when my children are sick.  Yet I’ve missed my share of ballgames and performances.  (My son will never let me forget that I missed the second grade musical!)

Having reasonable control over travel is imperative for a working mom.  It’s one thing to be away for an evening; it’s another thing to be away for a week.  After one night, my family barely notices I’m gone.  After two nights, we all miss each other.  And after three nights, everyone becomes unglued, including me!

Travel can easily control us if we don’t take the reigns.  It’s about applying the 10% Rule and knowing our limits.

Question #2:  Can we involve our families in business travel?

Some of the best vacations with my family have been tacked onto business trips.  Before I had children, my husband would meet me for a long weekend after a long week’s work.  And my children have enjoyed a few travel perks – including a recent trip to Disney – by occasionally tagging along.

But traveling with my family is the exception, not the norm.  Most of the time, it’s just not feasible.  Schlepping three kids on an airplane costs a fortune, and we can’t exactly yank them out of school on a regular basis.  Not to mention the primary purpose for a business trip is work! 

Yet we can still  keep our families involved.  We can tell our children where we are going, how long we will be gone, and what we are doing on a trip.  My oldest child has presented school projects about cities I’ve visited.  I send my children post-cards from around the world, and we get on Wikipedia and even look at the good old-fashioned map.

We must find creative solutions to make travel positive.  I try not to complain about my travel schedule in front of my kids.  Instead of saying, “I am sick and tired of being gone, and I really hate airports!” I try to say things like “I’m sorry I’m leaving tomorrow, but we’re going to plan something really special this weekend.”  

Question #3:  Are we prepared to protect our family time?

The more I travel, the less social I become.  This is by necessity. A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriends invited me out dancing to hear one of our favorite local bands.  It nearly killed me to say no!  But I had been traveling all week, and I knew I had to protect my family time.  Which means I can’t waltz home on a Friday night and announce to my husband and kids, “Good to see you. I’ve had a long week and I’m headed out.”

To outsiders, my social life may look pathetic.  But the more time I spend away from my home, the more I long to be at home. I’ll rekindle my social life when I’m an empty nester!

It’s goes without saying – travel is hard on a working mom and her family.  We must pray for wisdom.  The good news?  God promises to give wisdom generously to those who ask in faith. 

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  James 1:5

I can’t tell you whether to say NO to your travel schedule.  But together, we can wrestle with the questions. 

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Struggling with a travel schedule or a crazy job?  You may enjoy the following posts:

How To Talk To Your Kids About Your Work

How The 10% Rule Is Changing My Life

Working Moms:  Are You Emotionally Present?

Tips For Traveling Moms

Looking for more resources for working moms?

Ruth: Waiting for a Promotion

by Susan DiMickele on February 10, 2013 in Lessons Learned with 5 Comments
five-ways-to-deal-with-a-missed-promotion

Ruth’s story has been told and retold for centuries. She’s one of two women in the Bible to have an entire book named after her.  Yet Ruth’s work is a piece of her story that is often overlooked.

In Working Women of the Bible we see that Ruth’s work involves patience, forbearance, and some serious elbow grease. Simply put, Ruth isn’t afraid of a hard day’swork.

Ruth is a homeless and jobless widow.  Yet she sets out to support herself and her mother-in-law, Naomi, in a foreign land. Ruth and Naomi learn that the famine in Judah had broken. Ruth is paying close attention. She sees how it works. She can go out to the fields and pick up stalks of grain left behind by the harvesters. A process called “gleaning”—reserved for the poor and widows—is a means to support both Ruth and Naomi.

Note that Ruth isn’t given a handout. She doesn’t ask for one. She is prepared to work. It’s not her dream job. As far as she knows, it’s a dead end. She could be stuck gleaning for the rest of her life—if she is lucky. Harvesters are a rough bunch. What if the harvesters try to take advantage of Ruth? What’s a young, foreign woman to do in the fields without a protector?

Ruth could have told God, “Hey, you must have made a mistake here. I’m meant to do something much more important. What about my resume?”

She is overqualified to be a gleaner. It is beneath her! Yet God hasn’t forgotten about her. He just calls her to first do the work in front of her. No complaining. No grumbling. Just do your work.

Many of us can relate to Ruth. We don’t want to do the work that God has given us. We think God has forgotten completely about our resumes—our skill sets, our unique qualifications to do something else. Something more important. 

Gleaning is really miserable work. Working from dawn till dusk. Bending over in the hot sun. Relying on the scraps of others.

Yet because of Ruth’s good work, God exceeds her expectations.  Ruth doesn’t just become a wife and mother, she makes her way into the genealogy of Jesus Christ. It’s so much more than a happy ending. And it’s just like God to turn hard work into redemption—something more than Ruth could have hoped or imagined.

Do you feel like God has forgotten your resume?  How does Ruth’s story inspire you to do the work that God has given you today, yet still have hope for tomorrow? 

Let’s continue our mini-series next week.  Will you help me share the stories of these amazing women?

  • Hudlah – Becoming an Expert in Your Field (February 18)
  • Esther – Finishing The Job (February 25)
  • Lydia – Risking Your Business for Your Faith (March 4)

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Working Women of the Bible releases in March 2013.  Care to join my launch team?  It’s easy.  Pray that women all over the world would be touched by these stories, and share this resource with your family and friends. This includes writing an Amazon Review or hitting the “like” button on Amazon, posting to your favorite social meeting site (such as Facebook) or writing a blog post or group email.  Check out 8 Ways to Help Your Favorite Author*  by my agent, Rachelle Gardner

The first 100 people who commit to pray and share, will receive a complimentary copy of Working Women of the Bible.  Just email me by February 28 at sdimickele@gmail.com.

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